Back to the Beginning

It's now 4 am on Thursday, July 2oth. I've just finished kraming the majority of my stuff into a suitcase and duffel bag and while staring at the empty room with the bare walls and shelves, I can't help flashing back to the day I moved in. It's scary...... In some ways, it feels like the entire time I was here never happened. The entire life I've built here now feels simply like a blip in time in my real life, which is that in the USA. Almost as though it was fake, something like decoration, that I used to fill the space in my room, that now all packed up, feels much less significant than when it was spread on the walls.

In any case, my life in Europe/Germany is officially over. Now is the second vacation which is like the second bookend to this brief pause in my life. It also almost terrifying how full circle things have come. I think that has added to this feeling of fleetingness. Sommerfest has come twice, sailing has come twice, now empty room again, I am going to visit Paris again only a week off from last year, I plan on cooking and watching the same movie I did with Steffi last year........ It's amazing that no matter how much you keep telling yourself that all this will end and make the most of the time you have, you're never prepared for the end. In fact, the more you cherish what you have, the harder it is at the end.

Mostly i feel like these feelings are more of a nostalgia of the past and all that I've experienced, a longing for the unknown adventures and experiences that I might have had if I stayed longer, and a fear of the uncomparable boredom of going back to the same environment that I left a year ago, which seems as though it hasn't changed at all. In reality, all of this is an exaggeration, but the feelings are true. The time here had become almost as boring as at home and the US doesn't have to be boring at all. But these are the things that go through one's head at the end.

Ultimately, the amount of retention of the learning, excitement and experience that I had here is dependent simply on the choices I make back home. International and lingual interations are easily obtainable and an entusiasm for it is presumably well-received. We'll see.....but one thing I know, I've found something that gives me a lot of joy and is a hobby outside of my core work. It's like a good sauce, that makes the main dish, which is still quite tasty, a whole lot better. I've created a new need in myself, that I can either let wither and die or satisfy and build. I hope for the latter. We'll see how it works out. Something that is always is there are my family and friends and the surprisingly good feeling of a rootlessness that makes me feel detached enough to stay out of a rut and keep stretching for something new. With those who keep me grounded and have stuck through my wanderlust, I feel definitely good albeit the detachment.

I have so many pics to sort through it's ridiculous. Tomorrow I go to Paris....... Not going to happen. You'll have to wait. Be good.
spence