Deep Thoughts

Not to make myself sound too intellectual, (I tried to use some humor with an SNL reference), I wanted to catalog a few things I've recently discovered. This is also the official conversion of my weblog as a avenue of communication with friends to a personal, online diary. It's a little revealing, but I feel more motivated writing if I think, even on the off chance, that someone will read it.

In my travels and international experiences, I've seen, done and learned a lot. It's been one of those cliche but nonetheless monumental awakening experiences. However, I missed a lot as well. I began to think and see in broad strokes of differences - e.g. cultural differences and trends. I fell into the trap of categorizing. And what was worse, is I thought I knew better. Back in the USA, I've felt very under-stimulated, and turned off. The opportunities for growth and the differences here are not in my face and dealing with them is not necessary for survival. But with this comfort level with the vast majority of things surrounding me, I've also begun to reinspect the details and individual differences that have just as much significance as the cultural ones. Especially the differences of talents and deficits in myself.

This last week and today I was reminded of the difficulties and strengths of a close relationship. I was reminded of the talents and maturity of a good friend. I was reminded of the ability to agree with someone, but at the same time feel like you are arguing. That arguing emphasis is vain when the truth is held by balance, and that arguing on emphasis is often more an ego thing than trying to find agreement. remined of the importance and subtleties of communication, and of the necessity of active and frequent commincation in a good relationship. i remember that communication is incomplete and that the various methods of communication (language, music, pictures, expressions, etc) are limited in their capacity to communicate. To recognize that there is a difference between the merits of your argument and your own persuasive abilities, and to know when to concede when you powers of persuasion are feeble, despite the convictions of your argument. To remeber what real love is, and what just feels good or comfortable. To recognize the pain and shame of being challenged and truly admiting your wrong, and remember that i need and expect to be challenged by those i love. that no matter how much you've seen or learned, there's always more. and to remember that i will still continue to forget this and need a reminder, the more i learn and see.

i've learned to recognize my weaknesses, to always try to improve them and struggle with this effort, but to also recognize my strengths, and that happiness and success comes from applying your strengths, not your weaknesses. i've learned that no decision or idea can be proven, that some ideas seem more likely than others, but we all still have our own threshold for persuasion, which depends not only on us but on others. That our decision-making process and this threshold is different for personal and professional decisions. that some people are optimisitic/naive or pessimistic/realistic, and in the end you need to make the decision that makes you happy. and that if you are optimistic/naive and often take a few too many risks without due diligence, then you should have a plan B or recourse in case it was a mistake (e.g. 6 month lease).

i've learned that i'm much happier having tried and failed, then not having tried. i've learned that i'm egotistical and use information/experience as power or expression of "betterness". i've learned that i can recognize this and have a hard time changing it, because it's part of being human. i'm coming to accept that i'll never have the answers or know what i want or what to do, but i'm becoming more comfortable acting and making decisions without having figuring that out. i coming to accept that there may be no answers, but that it's not all a shot in the dark - it's about probablities and being able to accept/take real risk (the risk that can cause serious bad consequences). and with that, to have back-up plans (even really easy silly ones) in case it does.

i believe my life will be a constant battle of the mind with the heart; of finding that proper balance of analysis with over-rationalization. i believe for most people (or maybe just me), inspriation or motivation doesn't come from a vacuum of within, but develops with experience with a topic and finding solutions to the questions with which we've been presented, rather than picking a question yourself and then trying to find the solution.

i believe that i'm tired. see ya