My god how many things can happen in two weeks.
On the 5th, went to Maastricht with Janine and two other friends. Did some smoking together. Then Tuesday-Friday, Janine and I broke up. That was not a happy experience. Immediately following, I spent the week on the border of Austria and Germany to do some skiing and work with my lab. Now I just got back, and was at a party last night until about 5 am, which is the beginning her of a week long party called Karneval. Plus, a week-and-a-half ago, there was some sort of frost weather thing, that turned everthing white, and was beautiful. That is the wrap up. Oh, and my grandparents are not doing well.
Because of all this, my thoughts and emotions are fairly crazy. One big thing is that I am now longer a tourist here. It is difficult to explain, but there has been a slow but significant change in the feeling and life for me here in Germany. Because of Janine, because of my language skills, because of many other things, life here is totally normal, as though I weren't about to leave in 4 months. It's strange but Germany in some ways feels more like home than the US now. And the experience is nothing, absolutely nothing like it was the first 3 months here. And the thought of leaving Germany and going back to the US is more like a feeling of leaving my life rather than re-entering it. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to have another experience like this one again.
Not because it was bad.....actually because it was so good. I've built a life here with friends, a girlfriend, a routine, a cultural understanding and familiarity, an outlook and way of life, that I really enjoy. I all honesty I could easily spend my life in Europe. It is a great place to live. And all these things I have to leave, and that is not easy. The other thing too, is that I have lost or detiorated the friendships and relationships that I have had with those in the US. And so I have this sense of loss on both sides. I don't regret this experience, I love it actually, but I wasn't prepard for this. And I would recommend this experience to everyone I know, and I would do it again, if you reversed time and asked me then, but I don't think I want to live in another country again for a second time. It's too painful to build a life and relationships, only to tear them apart at the end.
In any case, the experience was a good one, and it's not over yet, but the end is in sight. And that changes things. And although I say that I wouldn't do it again cause of the pain, this pain will only last so long until I form roots again in the US. So it's temporary. But the understanding and experiences and everything that i have learned here in Germany will (hopefully) last with me forever. I've changed as a person dramatically, and have totally different perspectives on the world, on my life, on my values, on my goals, etc. So I still fully recommend it, but just be prepared that it will not be easy.
And I don't look at this as a departure from Germany forever. As though this was only a short period of my life that will soon become relugated to the past and only talked about with fond memories. In contrast to Australia, I've really built a life here and I want to continue to have a connection with Germany in the future. Not exactly sure how I will do that, but it's definitely a goal. The other thing too, which is really wierd, is I am afraid to live in the US again. I feel like I won't like it. And although I think this feeling is temporary and isn't really grounded on tangible reasons, I am afraid of: not speaking a second language on a daily basis, not having the same opinions or outlook of americans and not fitting in, not having the thrill of having new cultural experiences, not having the ability to visit the countries I do now, and most of all, but also least of all since it is the most transient, not having all the things that I enjoy in Germany/Europe that we don't have in the US (food, and general way of life things that are not easy to explain or even recognize). I still love the US and don't see any reason to live permanently anywhere else, but I will miss Germany and Europe a lot.
Anyway, I need to go and enjoy the last months here. I'll write soon and post pics. Since I haven't got any comments recently, I assume the only person reading these posts are me, which is okay since this is a really good diary anyway.
later
