Type here something deep and meaningful

While I upload some pics, I thought I'd say hello. What is sad is that I think that the only people who hear me are my mom, Sam, my grandmother, and me. Who really has time to check a blog? How did these things become so popular? Really they are just the diaries of the 21st century. Which is ironic since diaries were originally supposed to be private. But in the internet age, everything online is so impersonal that it doesn't even feel violating for someone to read this. Plus, no one reads this thing anyway, so what's the danger?

Nothing really new to report. In a few days there will be an pic post number 8, so check back soon. They are all good pics, really nice ones of me and Janine all over Germany, me in France, and beautiful pics of Aachen during Christmas. Jersey is boring, but eventful. I am getting some work done. Hurt my foot running.

I've been doing some thinking recently too. I really have many friends, even what you would consider close ones. However, they are all spread out, mostly throughout the US, many now in Europe. Because of that, I hardly ever see any of them. Now that I have been back in the US for almost 2 weeks, I've seen one, only one, friend. It's pathetic. The problem is both life today and my own interests. Today, people are very mobile and very ambitious. We can eat breakfast in New York and dinner in Germany. We go to schools in different states, sometimes on different coasts, to get our 1st, 2nd or even third degree. And all the while, we are making friends, passionately and intensely, people we spend most of our waking time with. Then, suddenly, following a graduation or visit to JFK, these friends dissappear and the only contact you have for years is the occasional phone call or email, apologizing for not keeping in touch and promising to call soon. In the meantime, you form new relationships with new friends that you will soon also abandon.

Plus, I love to learn about things and really can't sit still. I just get bored when things get easy. And everytime I learn something new, I find 10 new questions or curiousities. Or everytime I overcome a challenge, like learning German, I find that without a new challenge, life just isn't engaging. So I bounce from place to place, job to job, friend to friend, and never really stay close with one group of people or settle in one place, because deep down I don't want to. And then I complain about it. Actually, this isn't really complaining, but it's more of rationalizing my boredom and lonliness.

In the end, I feel like a drifter. I have no home anymore, I have no core set of friends. The place I live today and the close friends I have now, will most likely be foreign and separated from me in less than a year. And the cycle repeats. The only real constant things I have in my life are my family and my best friend, and of course the attempt at holding on to relationships that are faded versions of what they once were. I guess the other constant in my life is this knawing dissatisfaction. I don't think I can ever really be happy or content. I'll be an asshole and quote Einstein, "Happiness and ease are not ends in themselves; they are the ingredients of a pigsty." I may not agree with the pigsty part, but I agree with the idea in general. And I wonder if that's an American thing or just something that comes with being told to succeed so many times that they can't stop. I always want to learn something new, or do something better, or different.... Basically, I am never content with what I have, and never want to be, cause then I won't ever do something different than what I am doing right now.

I don't blame you for not reading this. I'm not sure if the rantings of a friend turned acquaintance who is complaining about the relationship with you is interesting. A little pretentious, no? My little cousin the other day said that I say "no?" or "yeah?" at the end of my sentences a lot. Bad habit I picked up when I first started speaking German. I couldn't tell if what I just said made sense or was grammatically correct, so I always needed confirmation. Just another thing that I feel compelled to overcome. I guess I could just let it go and accept that I will speak like that for the rest of my life, and maybe I do for a week. But in the end, I simply can't let it go. Sad really. Don't forget the pics.

Nini, ich habe dich so unglaublich Lieb und du bist sehr wichtig in meinem Leben geworden. Ich freue mich auf meine Rueckkehr und will dich nicht verlassen. Aber du weisst schon, was wird im Sommer passieren. Ich werde traurig, wenn ich darueber denken, und ich weiss immer noch nicht was wir tun muessen. Trotzdem bist du immer in meinen Gendanken, und ich hoffe, dass ich immer nah dir bin.

I hate flying

So I am back in the states now. The flight sucked - 8.5 hours. I could take the first six but the last 2.5 were awful. Then got asked stupid questions but the guy in border control - what do you do in germany, where do you study, what do you study. answers: Studying. Technical college. making bombs.

just to catch up again on what has happened in the last two weeks: there were things that I wanted to write about Paris, but never got around to, and now I think I forgot. sucks. one thing that was interesting was that french and americans have the same stereotypes about germans - they have no sense of humor, follow all rules robotically, and still dream of taking over the world. i'm still not going to go into it too much, but paris is great and especially nice when you get to see peoples' homes and family and normal life. also i got to see the differences between two families and to areas of France. last thing, it's nothing special bringing french cheese to someone's house in France as a thank you - stick with flowers.

Since then things are good. Janine came to visit me last weekend and we had a great time. She ended up staying until wednesday, which was terrific. I got accustomed to have her around, meeting her for dinner after work, walking around the city. It was nice to share some of my daily life with someone, besonders du Schatz.

And now I am back home. It has definitely been a little wierd so far. First thing was that Frankfurt airport was entirely filled with Americans flying home from all over Germany and from other coutries in the area as well (Switzerland, Italy, etc.). It quickly became normal to speak and hear english all the time, but that's about the only thing that feels normal. It is odd to watch american tv - i am so used to not understanding tv, especially news shows when they interview normal people. Watching american football was interesting, haven't done that since the last superbowl. I still remember them all, but I forgot how many rules there are. American sports are rather complex. Compared to soccer, baseball and football take a little time to understand.

Definitely started to notice how many american flags are all over the place. What ends up happening is that you get used to the habits and normal way of life somewhere else, and when you come home you still remember what it is like to be here and all of that stuff in the states, but you notice a lot more things that you never recognized before you left. You sort of have foreigner eyes. Watched my first first shitty hollywood blockbuster since home - King Kong. American commercials are great by the way. One had Santa Klaus buying diamond earings for Mrs. Claus at a jewelry store. The idea and irony of it was just interesting to me. Read a newspaper and remembered how extreme politics are in this country - you either hate george bush or hate everyone else. Realized that Carvel ice cream cake is not as good as I thought it was. Ice cream in Germany is fucking good. Don't get me wrong, I like being home and still like the US, but at first there are a few things that you need to get used to again.

got to go. dinner. pics comng soon, promise.

Life is beautiful....but also very depressing

Just got back from Paris today. I had a really great time but am very blue right now and don't feel like doing any work. I understand that for things to be really pleasurable and appreciated, one must have moments of inconvenience and pain. It's just human nature. Still, I really hate the feeling of coming back from a great trip. Plus, nothing ever really sticks in your head; the memories are there, and the pics help for a while, but inevitably the feelings attached to the memories slip away. I guess that's good since it inspires us to keep going out and taking more trips.

Anyway, much to report. Very very much. On Wed, there was a great Brazilian party (thanks Livia). On thursday, the school through this big party/ice hockey tournament. Very interesting. Basically, team of profs and students got dressed up and played ice hockey. But not seriously. Many were drunk, there were cross-dressers, performances, fake fights, and then everyone went to an enormous party at some club. There I found out what it's like to be in a german club. For one thing, there is techno, although I wouldn't say it is popular. There were about 10 guys dancing. Nevertheless, I have never seen shit like this before (actually sort of in Munich), and Euro techno dancing is worth checking out. I should have brought my camera.

Got home at 2:30 am, needed to do laundry before my 11 am train to Paris. Get to Paris, and get picked up by Carole, friend and girl-friend of Sylvain. First thing I notice: Paris, or France maybe, seemed very different from the first time I came in July. Not because it really was, but because I was, or am, now very different. The first time, I was in Germany for about only 2 weeks. Paris was exotic, strange and interesting because it was not America and I felt American. This time Paris was exotic, strange and interesting because it was not GERMANY and I felt GERMAN/American. I have to admit that that felt wierd. It was also nice to see because it showed me really how normal and comfortable I feel here now, not only with the language (which was a bitch and there is still of course much to learn) but with the people, the culture, everything. On the flip side, coming back to Germany was both depressing, since the trip was over, but also very comforting, because it really feels like h*me. (Asterisk purposely there, otherwise I will have to have a 20 min convo about this sentence).

I think I'll give you a really brief timeline of what I did, and then tell you my thoughts. It may be easier. Plus you'll see it again in my pics (coming soon - demnaechst).

Friday: Walked around parts of Paris with Carole, ate a Panini, Crepe, Chooquet (hehe). Met Sylvain at his apt in Paris, did some more walking, ate French choloclate truffles (these are not the same as what truffles are in the US). Went to Sylvain's parents' house. Spoke in English with parents and brother, all of whom could speak quite well considering they are about 50 and don't ever practice! Ate homemade 5 course french dinner - gratin something, then terrine and pork pate something, then salad, then cheese, then dessert. Very good! Drove around paris, saw the christmas decorations. Sort of like in NYC, they have window displays, but some here are puppet-like shows that were awesomely creative and well-done.

Sat: Woke up and ate a French breakfast (croisant, baguette, tea and chocolate milk drank from a bowl). Went to a farmers' market, bought cheese. Came back to Syl's house and ate lunch, I think, cause I totally forgot what. But is was good. Then drove into Paris, which has the possibly the worst traffic in the world. Worse than NYC, close with LA and maybe some Asian cities that I have never been too. Met Noemie and her boyfriend, who bought my Meghan bracelet, which is now a little wierd not to be wearing. Walked around Paris, went inside Notre Dame, to gay area, say Victor Hugo's house, went to Bastille, ate dinner in Quartier Latin (I think). It was fondue and escargot. Quick aside, fondue in france is not just chocolate (actually I don't think it is ever chocolate) but cheese or beef. Cheese should be self-explanatory, beef is served raw, which you then cook in hot oil. Went to Australian style bar in France, which was interesting, then went to Eifel Tower to see it when it sparkles (they do this thing with the lights on every hour to make it sparkle - impressive).

Sun: Woke up and ate another french breakfast a little more comfortably (it is slightly awkward when a french mother offers you a bowl to drink tea - i was confused). Met Syl's nearly entire fam (sisters, cousins, friends of fam) for his brother-in-law's 30th birthday. Spoke some english, mostly listened to french (which was fine, interesting actually, and reminded me of how hard it was to learn german, and how embarrasing it is to not be able to comunicate with people in their own language). Ate another five course, home cooked French meal: actually six courses with much wine (hor'deurves, then some meat or vege loaf, then chicken, then salad, then cheese, and then dessert). Went back into Paris, saw the Eifel tower once more with Noemie, went to her house in Versailles and met her family and had another lovely dinner (four course) and went to bed.

Ya it was a lot and I had a really terrific time. Thank you very very much to both Sylvain and Noemie for everything. (Merci beaucoup pour tous). I have more to write, but not the time nor the right state of mind at the moment. Later this week I'll post some more, with some good stories and pics. Right now I'm tired.

to come: Paris is the most beautiful major city I have seen, it was great to spend time with family and see "real" Paris, overall I had a great time. bis naechstes mal