I'm running out of eyecatching things to say

At least just for the title of my posts. If you care to read further, there are goodies to come. Sort of.

So I have just returned to Germany from the US, hopefully for the last time. I was home for 11 days to visit my dying grandmother, Baba, Anne Feurman, and to visit my family. She died on Monday, March 20. It's definitely difficult at the moment to fully accept it and get used to her being gone. But otherwise I'm okay. It was very good that I was able to see her just before her mind began to slip away and all the way up to her funeral. Her body ultimately just shut down as the lung cancer in her body spread and interfered with her organs. By the end, she had fallen into a sort of coma and stopped breathing. And she was at my home for the last 10 days. We had all the medical equipment setup for her, and hoped she would be more comfortable passing away at home than at a hospital.

In other news, the US just lost 4 -1 to Germany in a exhibition game here.

Besides the fact that my gmother was dying, the trip back was good. One, I was with my family, and it was a close time for all of us. Meghan's 18th birthday would have been on March 16th, so I was there for a small commemoration of that. And overall it was a fairly good bonding experience with the fam. It reminded me of what I have waiting for me at home. And it changed slightly my perspective on leaving Germany in the summer. Of course, I will very much miss Germany, all the friends I've made here, all the interesting experiences and speaking German on a daily basis, etc. But I've developed a more longterm view of how I hope to keep conected to Germany and my international interests. I'm still not sure how I will do it, but I definitely am committed to continuing a living relationship with Germany, the friends I've made here and the perspective I've developed.

One of the major things I've been feeling recently, and which has been emphasized with all of this back-and-forth traveling, is that I am no longer who I was. I don't feel "American" as strongly as I did before, and of course I don't feel German. I feel actually "unaffiliated" to some extent, stuck making feeble attempts at explaining the US to Germans and Germany to Americans. I know it's corny and cliche, but I just feel human, not really a citizen of any one country. And I like the feeling. It a wider perspective than I had before, and I appreciate it. And I know it is strong now because of my fairly unique situation at the moment, but when I am back "permanently" in the US, I don't want to totally lose it, or grasp at something that only remains in the past. I'm worried though, since it is relatively difficult to maintain an international exposure in the US, as compared to Europe. But I am convinced that it is possible and that I have the required motviation, so it won't be a problem. But I will still always miss this direct immersion.

Anyway tomorrow I am traveling to east germany for a conference and then in two weeks I am going to France to go skiing in the Alps again. So don't worry about me making use of the time I have left. And I brought american and australian footballs back with me, hoping to teach some Germans different sports. We'll see how that goes. I've organized the pics from Karneval and should have them up soon, so don't change that channel.

I miss you Baba and I know you would have enjoyed reading this post. I don't care how old someone is, it's still always wierd for me to think of a life ending and all that that represents. Take care