Quite the Rollercoaster
My god how many things can happen in two weeks.
On the 5th, went to Maastricht with Janine and two other friends. Did some smoking together. Then Tuesday-Friday, Janine and I broke up. That was not a happy experience. Immediately following, I spent the week on the border of Austria and Germany to do some skiing and work with my lab. Now I just got back, and was at a party last night until about 5 am, which is the beginning her of a week long party called Karneval. Plus, a week-and-a-half ago, there was some sort of frost weather thing, that turned everthing white, and was beautiful. That is the wrap up. Oh, and my grandparents are not doing well.
Because of all this, my thoughts and emotions are fairly crazy. One big thing is that I am now longer a tourist here. It is difficult to explain, but there has been a slow but significant change in the feeling and life for me here in Germany. Because of Janine, because of my language skills, because of many other things, life here is totally normal, as though I weren't about to leave in 4 months. It's strange but Germany in some ways feels more like home than the US now. And the experience is nothing, absolutely nothing like it was the first 3 months here. And the thought of leaving Germany and going back to the US is more like a feeling of leaving my life rather than re-entering it. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to have another experience like this one again.
Not because it was bad.....actually because it was so good. I've built a life here with friends, a girlfriend, a routine, a cultural understanding and familiarity, an outlook and way of life, that I really enjoy. I all honesty I could easily spend my life in Europe. It is a great place to live. And all these things I have to leave, and that is not easy. The other thing too, is that I have lost or detiorated the friendships and relationships that I have had with those in the US. And so I have this sense of loss on both sides. I don't regret this experience, I love it actually, but I wasn't prepard for this. And I would recommend this experience to everyone I know, and I would do it again, if you reversed time and asked me then, but I don't think I want to live in another country again for a second time. It's too painful to build a life and relationships, only to tear them apart at the end.
In any case, the experience was a good one, and it's not over yet, but the end is in sight. And that changes things. And although I say that I wouldn't do it again cause of the pain, this pain will only last so long until I form roots again in the US. So it's temporary. But the understanding and experiences and everything that i have learned here in Germany will (hopefully) last with me forever. I've changed as a person dramatically, and have totally different perspectives on the world, on my life, on my values, on my goals, etc. So I still fully recommend it, but just be prepared that it will not be easy.
And I don't look at this as a departure from Germany forever. As though this was only a short period of my life that will soon become relugated to the past and only talked about with fond memories. In contrast to Australia, I've really built a life here and I want to continue to have a connection with Germany in the future. Not exactly sure how I will do that, but it's definitely a goal. The other thing too, which is really wierd, is I am afraid to live in the US again. I feel like I won't like it. And although I think this feeling is temporary and isn't really grounded on tangible reasons, I am afraid of: not speaking a second language on a daily basis, not having the same opinions or outlook of americans and not fitting in, not having the thrill of having new cultural experiences, not having the ability to visit the countries I do now, and most of all, but also least of all since it is the most transient, not having all the things that I enjoy in Germany/Europe that we don't have in the US (food, and general way of life things that are not easy to explain or even recognize). I still love the US and don't see any reason to live permanently anywhere else, but I will miss Germany and Europe a lot.
Anyway, I need to go and enjoy the last months here. I'll write soon and post pics. Since I haven't got any comments recently, I assume the only person reading these posts are me, which is okay since this is a really good diary anyway.
later
posted by Spence @ 17:24
3 Comments:
Hi Spence,
just read most of your blog and liked it. As I told you, I've been to California for 5 months and regret not having blogged. Of course, I still have many memories, but they are fading and thoughts I had there are already gone. So, keep it going, it's really worth it.
I think you have some really interesting thoughts and I think that I didn't get as deep into the american culture as you did into the germany one (ok, your stay was longer than mine...).
From my point of view, you are a really positive thinking guy (and I like it), probably this is what many americans have in common, and being not totally satisfied can be a strong source of power. Ok, I will switch to German now, just because I am lazy :)):
Die Veraenderungen, die Du erlebt hast, sind sicherlich sehr massiv und auch tiefgreifend, aber bestimmt auch unglaublich wichtig fuer Dein weiteres Leben.
Ich empfehle auch jedem, der mich fragt, fuer eine laenger Zeit ins Ausland zu gehen und wuerde heute auch laenger bleiben als die 5 Monate, die ich damals in den USA war (wegen meiner damaligen Freundin war ich nicht laenger). Unterschiedliche Perspektiven auf das Leben, auf die Kulturen, auf die Menschen (!) kann man nur durch solche Erfahrungen erreichen und durch Gespraeche mit sehr unterschieldlichen Leuten. Manchmal finde ich es schade, dass ich zu wenig Zeit mittlerweile habe, um viele neue Menschen zu treffen, auch wenn ich natuerlich manchmal froh bin, wenn ich Zeit mit denjenigen verbringe, die ich liebe (wahrscheinlich werde ich einfach aelter...).
Ich fuehle ein wenig Deine Zerrissenheit und verstehe gut Deine Gruende, wieder im Sommer zurueckzugehen, vor allem, weil es Deinen Grosseltern schlecht geht. Als ich damals aus den Staaten zurueckkam, habe ich auch ueberlegt, ob ich eine Weile dort arbeiten sollte, was ich letztendlich nicht gemacht habe. Du wirst Dich sicherlich umstellen muessen, aber - normalerweise - nach einer nicht allzu langen Zeitspanne, wird Europa wieder verblassen, aber natuerlich niemals ganz verschwinden! Aber wer weiss, was in Deinem Leben noch alles passieren wird. Das Leben ist nicht vorhersehbar, vielleicht heiratest Du doch irgendwann eine Deutsche oder was auch immer und - schwups - bist Du schon wieder hier :P. Und Kontakte kann man pflegen und sie sogar nach langen Pausen wieder aufleben lassen. Ich bin kein Weltmeister im staendig email schreiben und Kontakt halten, aber ich vergesse auch nicht und bin offen. Von daher, warten wir es ab, was alle so passiert.
Ok, ich sollte dringend weiterarbeiten....
Henning
Hey Spence-
I can't speak for all your friends "missing in action" but I think that it is safe to say that we miss you and are looking forward to your return. I think that you pay a price for living your life as passionately and creatively as you are right now. I, for one, am jealous. Just felt compelled to drop you a line after reading your last few posts. I'll send you and email with more thoughts,
much love,
DJP
Hey braaaaaaaaaa
Call me soon!
Just a quick thought....perhaps the reason Germany seems so nice, and so hard to leave is not because of how much u like europe...but because of where u live in the US. Over your life its been NJ, PA, and Boston....none of these places are particularly nice....come to CA...San Francisco in particular and u may be more enthused about coming home. East Coast is dog shit....come to the bay area and europe might not seem so appealing.
Big money, best friend, gorgous surroudning and weather, plus plenty of hot ass (both boys and girls)....all waiting for u, just a quick thought.
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